


Muscle Memory

by heyyitslaurennn



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Bucky Barnes Feels, Cutting, Depression, F/M, Fluff, Happy Ending, I'm Sorry, Presumed Dead, Reader-Insert, Sam Wilson Is a Good Bro, Self-Harm, So much angst, reader is a Mess, very little smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-25
Updated: 2017-04-25
Packaged: 2018-10-23 23:45:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10729776
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heyyitslaurennn/pseuds/heyyitslaurennn
Summary: Various Avengers, Bucky included, are on a mission that goes awry and they are presumed dead. Reader, a manic depressive, takes this news very badly and begins her downward spiral.





	Muscle Memory

**Author's Note:**

> Helloooo y'all! :D *fanfare* So here I am with another oneshot! It should be noted that this one is different from my other stories. Very very angsty. The need to write this was triggered by a song, actually. So y'all should youtube it while reading :) it's called "Muscle Memory" by Lights. Great, beautiful song. 
> 
> *******TRIGGER WARNING*******  
> Suicidal tendencies and self harm are present in this story. If these serve as triggers for you, please do not read!!!
> 
> Otherwise, enjoy my lovelies!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You sighed as you settled into the big cushy recliner with your favorite book and a martini on the small table to your right, Wanda and Sam settling on the couch to your left and now engrossed in whatever soap opera that Wanda insisted on watching. It had been five solid days since Steve, Tony, Bucky, and Natasha left for their current mission and, being the girlfriend of the famous Bucky Barnes, you insisted on hearing from him in some form or fashion every night or else you just couldn't find sleep.

 

Your eyes kept drifting over to your phone, which you had tentatively placed on the chair arm. It was well past Bucky's usual time to check in and you were growing nervous. Wanda sensed your anxiety and tried to ease it. "Don't worry, Y/N, he'll call; he always does," she assured you with a smile.

 

You smiled back wearily and nodded before returning to your book. This mission was very quickly about to become the longest mission since you arrived at the compound about four months prior, so naturally you were worried. You knew Bucky was a strong and capable man, having endured several circles of hell in his lifetime; but you worried about literally _everything_.

 

Five more pages of your book later and your phone buzzed beside you, startling you out of your skin. You fumbled with thw device before hitting answer and pressing it to your ear. "Bucky?" you gasped.

 

"Hey gorgeous," his deep, sexy voice came through the receiver. Your gaze flitted to Wanda, who grinned and mouthed a "told you".

 

"Oh thank God," you breathed, letting out a small chuckle as you wiped a hand down your face. "How are you? Is everyone okay?"

 

"Yeah, we're all fine," he answered. "We hit a snag earlier so today took a little longer than originally planned. How are you doing?"

 

"Just trying not to die of anxiety," you muttered, doing your best not to sound whiny. "I...haven't been eating as often as I should..." You winced as you anticipated his response.

 

You heard him sigh on the other end. "You can't just not eat, doll," he said sternly, his voice laced with concern. "I want you to go eat something as soon as you get off the phone, okay?"

 

"Yes sir," you threw your hand up against your right temple, though obviously he couldn't see you.

 

"You just saluted me, didn't you?" You could hear the smirk in his voice.

 

"You know me so well, _Sergeant Barnes_ ," you purred; you knew what calling him that did to him.

 

He growled lowly, the sound always sending shockwaves of pleasure right to your core. "I swear to God Y/N, when I get back, I'm gonna strip you down, lay you out all pretty on my bed, and bury my face in your--"

 

"Good God Buck, do you mind? I'm trying to eat here," you heard Steve groan in the background.

 

You giggled as the two super soldiers threw some banter back and forth for a minute before the line grew quiet. "I just want you home safe," you almost whispered.

 

"I know sweetheart," Bucky cooed back. "I miss you."

 

"I miss you too," you said, trying to mask the crack in your voice by coughing, but nothing fooled Bucky.

 

"Hey, don't cry doll, we'll be back before you kno--" he paused. "What the hell is that? _STEVE LOOK OU_ \--" there was a loud booming sound before the line went fuzzy.

 

You sat and stared at your phone before franticslly calling for him. "Bucky? Bucky answer me. _Bucky_!!"

 

"What happened?" Sam asked as he shot up from the couch and yanked his phone from his back pocket.

 

"I-I don't know, there was a loud crash or explosion and the line went dead," you stammered as your eyes filled with tears.

 

Sam furiously tapped away on his phone, switching between trying to call Steve, then Tony, then Bucky, then Natasha. All lines went straight to voicemail. "Dammit," he muttered, tossing his phone on the table. "F.R.I.D.A.Y., status report on the current mission."

 

"No data available on current whereabouts or health status of Captain Rogers, Sergeant Barnes, Mister Stark, or Miss Romanov," F.R.I.D.A.Y. replied after a minute of silence. "Last known whereabouts retrieved five minutes ago from Belgrade, Serbia."

 

"That's not where they should be by now," Wanda said warily.

 

You quickly opened up the location app on your phone that communicated with the tiny gps device that Bucky insisted you install in his arm. Nothing.

 

You swear you felt your heart stop beating. You went ghostly white as you collapsed into the recliner, still staring at your phone. You felt unbearably hot yet shivered as your blood ran cold. _Could they really be..._

 

"Look, we can't panic," Sam pressed as he hurried to you and knelt next to your chair, placing a reassuring hand on your arm. "We're Avengers... I'm sure they're fine. We'll probably hear from them in a couple days or something."

 

Right... Right. They're superheroes. What's the worst that could happen?

 

You nodded slowly as you blinked your tears away. "I'm just gonna... Go lay down," you mumbled as you climbed out of your chair, letting your book fall haphazardly to the floor as you shuffled back to your room--no, Bucky's room. You needed to bury yourself in his bedsheets, be surrounded by his scent.

 

As you opened the door to his room and gave it a once-over, the crippling depression that you had managed to evade during this entire God damn mission washed over you all at once. Your already weakened body wracked with sobs as you approached his bed. You tore off your clothes, leaving nothing but your panties, and climbed into his empty bed, wrapping yourself around one of his giant pillows, inhaling deeply before sobbing loudly into it. You wanted so much to believe that he was okay...

 

You didn't sleep that night. Every time you closed your eyes and prayed that it was all a horrible nightmare, wishing you would wake up and he would be right there next to you, piercing blue-gray eyes trained on you, your heart broke more and more with each time you opened your eyes and he wasn't there.

 

The next day was spent in emergency meetings with Maria Hill and the rest of the Avengers that had stayed behind, trying to figure out what the hell happened. You were bombarded with the most questions, of course, considering you had been on the phone with Bucky when whatever happened happened.

 

"And you're absolutely sure that's what you heard?" Hill persisted, after you had given her all the information you could.

 

"I told you everything I know, Maria," you borderline shouted, eyes puffy and already brimming with fresh tears.

 

"How is this helping at all? Give the poor girl a break," Clint shouted from across the table, gesturing to you.

 

Maria sighed. "I know this is hard, Y/N. It's hard for us too. We have literally no leads on what the hell happened except a ping on their last known location."

 

"Then why the fuck are we not on a quinjet right now?" Sam spat, jumping up and heading out of the conference room without even bothering to wait for a location. Clint and Wanda followed closely.

 

You stared at your lap, fiddling with the hem of Bucky's t-shirt you had pulled on that morning. Maria was talking to you again, but your ears were ringing so loudly you couldn't hear her. You didn't even notice when she walked out, leaving you alone with your thoughts.

 

Your mind wandered to the first time you met Bucky. You had been so nervous...

 

**

 

_You shuffled on your heels, having purposefully dressed up for this monumental moment in your life: you were about to be introduced to the infamous former assassin, the Winter Soldier. James Buchanan Barnes. The Howling Commandos were your favorite thing to read about in history class; you even spent a semester researching them in college. Then, just a few years later in 2014, SHIELD fell, and your favorite Howling Commando went into hiding._

 

_Tony had brought you on a couple years later after the incident at Liepzig, while the Avengers were still broken. Then Steve came back, and he brought Bucky with him._

 

_Now, granted you weren't wearing a damn evening gown and diamonds, you still wanted to make a good first impression. You decided on a green floral sundress and gladiator sandals, your long y/h/c hair swept back into a french braid. You sat in the common area, knee shaking up and down nervously as you wrung your hands._

 

_"Need a drink or something, Y/L/N?" Natasha jested, taking a seat on the couch next to you and poking your ribcage. "If you shake any harder you'll scramble your insides."_

 

_As you opened your mouth to retort with a sarcastic reply, you heard the front door open. As Tony entered the room with Steve and a nervous looking Bucky in tow. He wore a dangerously tight black t-shirt, black jeans that fit just right, and black riding boots, with his hair pulled back into a tiny bun at the base of his skull. He looked menacing, but God damn was he sexy. You leapt to your feet and Tony nearly choked out some laughter at your expense as they approached you. "Rogers, this is Y/N, our resident history buff but also a great communications coordinator here at the compound, "Tony gestured to you as Steve stepped forward and held out his large hand._

 

_"Wow... Captain America, it's such a pleasure," you gushed, toothy smile wide as your cheeks turned a hint of red when you shook his hand._

 

_"The pleasure is mine, ma'am," he replied with that handsome smile of his. What a gentleman. He gestured behind him before continuing, "And this is--"_

 

_"Sergeant Barnes," you breathed, not meaning to interrupt him, but your excitement got the best of you. Also you had already noticed how Bucky's gaze was glued to you, and his eyes only widened when you had referred to him as anything but a monster._

 

_You blushed as you turned your attention back to Steve, who smiled knowingly. "Sorry, I...I did a lot of research on you guys in school..." You trailed off, making every attempt to hide your blush as you glsnced back at Bucky, who was still staring at you like you were an angel from heaven._

 

_"And she wants to bone Barnes!" Tony shouted before hurrying out of the room while laughing maniacally._

 

_"Anthony Edward Stark, I know where you fucking sleep, you insufferable chode!" you screamed after him. You turned back and found Natasha holding back laughter while Steve and Bucky both looked utterly flabbergasted. You groaned and covered your face with your hands._

 

_"So Y/N," Nat chirped as she stood and approached Steve, looping her arm around his, "why don't you show Barnes around while I talk to Steve?"_

_As you stood stuttering and floundering your words, they walked out, leaving you alone with Bucky. You accepted defeat and turned to face him, finding him blushing slightly as he stared at the floor. "So," you began, not really knowing where you were going with that._

 

_"You live here too?" Bucky asked, stealing a glance at you before averting his eyes again. You found his bashfulness endearing._

 

_"Yeah. Stark's idea... Your room is just down the hall from mine, actually." You caught the corner of his lips curling up slightly. "So, if you like I can show you around."_

 

_He visibly relaxed as he smiled, really smiled, and nodded. "Lead the way, doll," he purred, voice dripping sex and honey as he held his arm out, gesturing for you to walk ahead of him. Your blush only deepened at the pet name and you escort him through the compound, wondering what the hell you just got yourself into._

 

**

 

"Y/N... Y/N," you hear his voice call for you, he sounded so far away. You jump when you feel an icy hand touch your arm.

 

"Bucky" you gasp as you're torn from your reverie. You find yourself standing at the giant window in the conference room, but you turn to find Wanda behind you, looking concerned. Her lips formed a tight line and her brow furrowed.

 

"No sweetie," she cooed, snaking her arm around your shoulders and guiding you from the window, out into the hallway. "Come, let's get you something to eat."

 

"'m not hungry," you mumbled as your eyes filled with tears again. She nodded and took you to the common area, sitting you down in your recliner. "W-where's Sam?"

 

"He and Clint went to their last known location to have a look around, see if they can find some clues as to what happened," Wanda informed you as she brushed your hair from your clammy face and neck. "If you need anything, Y/N, I'm here."

 

You hummed solemnly as you curled up into a ball and rolled over in the recliner, facing the nearest wall and falling into a fitful sleep.

 

**

 

It seemed like you had just gone to sleep and you felt an arm curl around your waist and tug, pulling you against hard, taut muscles. You sighed into the warmth and comfort, until you realized the arm around your middle was cold and smooth. Your breath hitched as you turned over and found that gray-eyed bastard staring back at you, full lips curled up into a smile.

 

"Bucky," you whispered, burying your face in the crook of his neck ad you breathed him in, the smell of home filling your senses. He smoothed your hair down and rubbed your back soothingly as you soaked his shirt with your tears.

 

"I thought you were dead," you mumbled into his chest as your fingertips pressed harder into his flesh, your hand having snaked up underneath his shirt, afraid he would disappear.

 

He kissed your hair and breathed sweet nothings into your ear, shushing you to calm you down. You turned your face to his and cupped his stubbled jaw, leaning up to press your lips to his. The second you initiated the kiss, he pressed your body harder against his as his metal hand tangled in your hair, cradling your skull as he deepened the kiss and drank you in. You whimpered into his mouth as you raked your nails across his back, pushing his shirt up in the process.

 

Just as your lips began to tingle, you opened your eyes and... He vanished. You could still feel his skin against yours and his hand in your hair, his lips ghosting across your jaw and up to your ear. You sat up and frantically searched his room--you swore you'd fallen asleep in your recliner.

 

As your chest tightened and you struggled to breathe, you threw yourself back down onto the pillows and wailed, tugging hard at the roots of your hair as fresh tears streamed down to your hairline.

 

Seconds later, the door flew open and Sam ran in, rushing to the bed and kneeling onto it, pulling you into his arms as you sobbed into his chest. He did the best he could to calm you, but he too was hurting. Not only was he devastated that his friends were missing in action and presumed dead, but seeing you so broken crushed his heart; he knew how in love with Bucky you were, and he also knew your history with depression.

 

As your body quaked from the aftershock of hysterics, you touched your fingertips to your lips, still tingling from your dream-kiss. "H-he was here," you insisted between large gulps of oxygen. "I felt him..."

 

"It's gonna be okay, Y/N," he muttered into your hair, kissing it before standing you up out of bed. "Come on, you really need to eat."

 

"How long was I asleep?" you mused aloud.

 

"Nearly two days," Sam replied, concern dripping from his words. Your eyes widened; you were losing so much time.

 

As he helped you make it to the kitchen on wobbly legs, you heard a familiar voice and were shocked to see Tony sitting at the dining table, bruised and bloodied. He locked eyes with you and smiled weakly as you ran to him, throwing your arms around his neck.

 

"Hey kid," he said as his arms circled your waist, wincing from the pain in his ribs.

 

You pulled back and took in all of his injuries, most of them superficial. That one question sat on the tip of your tongue, afraid to ask, but he reas it in your eyes. His face fell as he took your hands. "Y/N, they... I couldn't--"

 

You ripped your hands from his grip and backed away, shaking your head. Your stomach dropped, your mouth went bone dry, and your heart stopped again. "Did-did you look for them?"

 

He nodded, eyes glistening with unshed tears. "There was an explosion... Hydra knew where we were, and... I dug through the rubble for two days, Y/N..."

 

"No... No," you chanted, backing out of the kitchen. Food was the very last thing on your mind; your Bucky was dead. Gone. You managed to make it back to his room through tear-filled eyes and crawled back under the covers, hugging his pillow tightly as you fell apart.

 

***************************************

 

Four days passed and the remaining Avengers called off the search for their missing comrades. You insistedon going yourself, but in your sickly state no one was willing to watch you self destruct.

 

You hadn't eaten in over a week, since before that fateful phone call from Bucky. Your body was frail as you lost weight, your skin pale and the rings around your eyes making you look like a real life zombie. As you stood at the window in his bedroom, you thought back on the first time you and Bucky had sex. It was a long time coming, but the two of you had been inseparable for weeks and you were dying for his touch.

 

**

 

_You and Bucky lay wrapped around each other in his bed, naked with just a thin sheet coming up to your waist. Having just recovered from the throes of passion,  you used his chest as a pillow and traced nonsensical patterns across his glistening skin while his metal arm curved down under your back, fingers curled around your hipbone. His flesh arm lay pinned under his head as he watched you like you were the most precious thing in his life, and you were._

 

_"Can I stay?" your tiny voice asked timidly as you gazed up at him, chin digging into his side._

 

_"Of course, doll," he chuckled, reaching up to run his metal fingers through your damp hair. "You really think I'd kick ya out?"_

 

_You grinned and slung your leg over his hips, straddling him as you laid flat against his chest and propped yourself on your elbows on each side of his head. He gripped your hips tightly in anticipation, gazing up at you in awe and reverence. "I love you," you whispered against his lips, eyes falling shut as you refused to wait for a response before locking lips with him. He wound his arms around you and pressed your body to his, groaning into your open mouth as tongue slid against yours so perfectly._

 

_As the kiss grew more and more urgent, he pulled away long enough to catch his breath and growl, "I love you so fuckin' much," before diving back in, hands skimming down your body and gripping your ass, squeezing. Your heart soared and you prayed that it lasted forever._

 

_You broke the kiss as you choked back a sob, but you couldn't sneak anything past Bucky. His brow furrowed. "What's the matter, sweetheart?"_

 

_Your eyes shimmered in the moonlight peeking through his window as you stared into his eyes, so full of affection. You shook your head. "I'm just happy. I-I don't know if I could live without you."_

 

_He pulled you down against him and held you there tightly. "Don't you dare say that to me," he said sternly, voice cracking. "I'm always gonna be here, but I would want you to be happy and move on. Don't you ever talk about hurting yourself."_

 

_You nodded. You hadn't realized it, but as the two of you grew closer over time and you revealed more and more of yourself to him, he had seen the scars that lined your arms and legs, even some on your stomach. Scars that you had put there yourself when you went through bad bouts of depression. It broke his heart and made him want to take care of you the right way, so that you'd never want to hurt yourself again._

 

_You sat up and placed your palms flat on his chest. "I'm sorry," you shook your head and changed thr subject. "Round two, soldier?" you quirked your eyebrow suggestively and drew your plump bottom lip between your teeth as you ground your hips into his, sliding your still sopping wet pussy along his hardening cock._

 

_"Fuuuuck," he hissed, pressing his head deeper into the pillow beneath it. "If you insist, doll." With a maniacal grin, he flipped the two of you at lightning speed and settled between your open legs, kissing you breathless as he pushed into you._

 

**

 

You pinched your eyes shut as you felt your chest tighten again, more tears threatening to spill as you wrapped your arms around yourself, your skin and muscles twitching as if in remembrance of his touch. You were sick of crying, and you wanted the pain to stop. You stared at the scars that littered your skin, each one a constant reminder that you were cursed. Your own words to Bucky rang in your ears, you'd promised him you wouldn't hurt yourself again.

 

But the pain was too great.

 

You turned on your heel after hearing shuffling behind you. As you stared into a dark corner of the room, you could swear you saw Bucky's hulking figure in the shadows. "B-Bucky?" you squeaked, slowly stepping toward the corner. Once you were just a few feet away, you realized there was nothing there. Youe heart plummeted again... You couldn't take it anymore.

 

You stumbled to your bathroom and over to the tub, turning the hot water on as you stripped. Once you got down to your panties, your vision blurred and you had to catch yourself on the counter when your legs gave out. Forgetting the panties, you climbed into the tub and sank down into the water.

You fought so hard to stay conscious. _So hard._ Lack of food had taken a toll on your body, leaving you weak and malnourished. You should have felt pain from that alone, but nothing compared to the emptiness in your heart and soul.

 

You let the water run, the tub just reaching half full, as you reached for your razor. You couldn't take the pain any longer. You fumbled with it as you tore it apart, slicing your fingertips open in the process, but the pain didn't register. You heard shouting out in the common area, but you ignored it. Nothing mattered anymore.

 

You sobbed quietly and squinted your eyes as you placed a blade against your wrist, pressing down, watching a small stream of blood trickle down your arm and drip into the tub. "I'm sorry," you sobbed, slowly dragging the blade across your wrist.

 

Your first involuntary reaction to your flesh opening up was to gasp. Your hand faltered for a split second as you tried to focus. You wanted this to be quick. You switched hands and struggled to grip the blade, having already sliced that wrist wide open, as you cut into your other wrist. This time you didn't feel it. You sighed shakily as your head fell back against the tub, which was now full.

 

You barely registered a bang on the door. "Y/N get out here now!" Tony shouted, but you were too weak to respond. "Y/N!" he called again, trying the knob. You didn't realize you'd locked it.

 

As you slowly slipped away, the bathwater rapidly turning red as it spilled over the side, the door came crashing open, hanging by the top hinge. "Oh God, Y/N!"

 

You knew that voice. You knew it far too well. But that couldn't be...

 

Bucky rushed to the tub and pulled you out just before you slid under the water, cradling you against him as he screamed for help. "Stay with me, baby, please!" he sobbed as he slapped your cheek to keep you conscious, but you couldn't respond. You couldn't do anything but listen to his voice grow further and further away.

 

***************************************

 

You woke up, delirious, surrounded by white. You tried to push yourself up, crying out in pain as your wrists burned as hot as the sun. You took in your bandaged wrists, the saline iv stuck in your right arm.

 

"Shh don't move, just lay down," a voice said next to you. Your eyes filled with tears as you looked to your right to find Bucky, eyes bloodshot and puffy. His lip quivered as he bent over you, metal hand petting your hair as he pressed his forehead to yours. "I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry," he murmured, planting kisses all over your face as his flesh hand came up to dry your tear-stained cheeks.

 

"Y-you're real," you gasped, wide eyed as you ran your fingertips across every inch of his skin that you could reach.

 

"Yeah, baby, I'm here," he croaked, sniffling as he kissed your chapped lips. "The mission went south and I got picked up by Hydra. All our comm equipment was fried in the blast, Steve and Nat had to come after me."

 

You wailed as you threw your arms around him, pain be damned. "I... We all thought you were dead, Bucky," you stammered between hiccups. "I couldn't take it, I'm sorry..."

 

"Don't do that to yourself, sweetheart, I'm here, I'm alive and I'm never leaving you again," he pulled you to his chest. "I almost lost you, doll... Finding you in that tub all cut up..." His body trembled as he cried into the crook of your neck.

 

For the first time in over a week, you actually heard your stomach growl loudly. Loud enough for Bucky to hear it as well. He pulled back and smiled at you. "I told you to eat," he said matter-of-factly.

 

"Yeah, well, I was too busy thinking you were dead," you frowned at him and pulled him back to you. "Lay with me," you pleaded as you did your best to make room on the single hospital bed. "Please..."

 

"Anything you want, doll," he kicked his boots off and climbed up onto the bed next to you, pulling you into his arms, cradling you, kissing your hair and forehead. "Don't ever scare me like that again," he demanded softly.

 

"You either," you retorted, laying your head against his chest, your eyelids growing heavy.

 

Two days later, you were released from the hospital wing at the Avengers tower. Helen Cho persisted with the damn wheelchair, but you had other plans.

 

"Carry me?" you asked Bucky sweetly, batting your eyes at him.

 

"I'll carry you anywhere, doll," he cooed, scooping you up out of the bed and nipping lightly at your neck, drawing out a squeak from you. "I'm never letting you out of my sight again as long as I live."

 

As he carried you bridal style from the hospital room, the entire group of heroes that you had grown to love was waiting outside to see you, including Steve and Natasha. 

 

Once you were home and in Bucky's bed as he made sure you were comfortable, you felt that familiar twitch in your skin. The muscle memory of his touches that you craved, and now you had him back. You wouldn't want for anything else. After all of the pain and suffering, after nearly dying to be with the man you loved only to find him alive, after everything... You wouldn't change a thing.


End file.
